I walked into the church and noticed that my mom and Grandma weren’t there. This was odd because Grandma was always at church. I asked my brother and he informed me that mom had taken her to the hospital. I walked out and called my mom. She informed me that Grandma wasn’t feeling good and they were running tests.
After taking my children home, I rushed to the hospital to see her. I wasn’t allowed to keep Samuel with me, so I had to leave. Before I left Grandma, I stopped to give her a kiss good bye. She said, “I love you. You are such a great mom and have done a wonderful job with your kiddos. I’m so proud of my girl. Good bye sweetie. I love you, remember that.” Those were the last words she spoke to me.
She was supposed to come home on Wednesday, but instead while we were eating dinner Tuesday night my mom called. I knew it was her but had spoken to her about 2 hours before and we had decided I would bring the kids to the house so we could all see Grandma tomorrow. Stephen answered the phone and all he said was, “Oh, no,” and I knew… she was gone.
That wail that comes from deep within you when you lose someone that you love dearly, it was coming from my mouth while I kept saying, “I should have gone!” The teens took the babies from the room, while I continued to scream and wail. I had no control over myself or my emotions. The pain was so deep, so beyond anything I had ever felt in my life.
Coping and Speaking
The next few days of planning her funeral were a blur. My introvertedness kicked in and I just avoided everyone as much as possible. When Grandpa had died 2 years before I never considered speaking at his funeral, and that was fine, because nothing could have been better than what Kayla had said. This time, though, I had things to say, and I was going to speak.
The night before her funeral, after the emotional exhaustion of the day, I sat and wrote. I didn’t stop to think, I just wrote. My penmanship wasn’t at my best, and there were watermarks from my tears, but it was from my heart.
I spoke to the woman who had molded and shaped me, helping me to be the best I could possibly be. She had given me everything and now God was taking her home to rest.
You can find a link to Grandma’s Eulogy HERE.
Where I was
I was dealing with it, or really ignoring it until I turned 40 this past October. That’s when it hit me hard. Maybe it was from lack of sleep with a little boy who seemed to think he needed to constantly be nursing. It could have been just becoming old, but in reality, it was a combination of those things and depression from grief.
I remember sitting in my living room one Wednesday night holding a sleeping Samuel. Stephen had taken the other 5 to bible study, and the pain hit like a knife to my heart. It was so fierce and strong that I felt like I was dying, and to be honest I wanted to die. I didn’t want to continue living without the woman who from the moment I can into this world had loved me unconditionally.
I contemplated how to keep Samuel safe, while I did something crazy. Thankfully, I came to my sense and did nothing. I sat there holding my sleeping baby and waited for my family to get home.
A few weeks before my birthday, I had begun getting help. Seeing a therapist did nothing for me.. I need someone who would give me actionable steps to healing not only from the loss of Grandma but my past as well.
While scrolling through Facebook, I saw and advertisement about being a screaming mom. With all that was going on, it is exactly what I had become. I was stressed out. DONE!
I listened in on the webinar that night and spoke to Tracey over the phone the next day. When I signed up immediately, I had no idea my world change completely.
Change like Physical Therapy HURTS
For 12 weeks, Tracey put me through my paces. It was hard core training, not of my body, but of my emotions and mental state. I was no longer allowed to abuse myself, or my family. If I started acting like a victim she would remind me that it was no longer allowed.
We worked at pulling out all of the garbage that was inside of me. Tracey let me dump everything that was in my heart. She had me write out everything that was bothering me in as much detail as possible. Some things I hadn’t faced in years. Some things I had buried so deep, I didn’t remember being there.
Everything was pulled out, and just like the KonMari Method, the things that I no longer wanted in my life were discarded. I released them, the pain, the hurts, the stabs in the back, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the lies, etc.
I was completely drained and empty, but Tracey didn’t leave me there. She told me that I needed to fill myself up with good things.
Time to Heal
Just like a pitcher, we need to be refilled after being emptied if we want to be able to give to the world. BUT unlike the pitcher that will collect air, if we don’t fill up with the right things, then we will refill with the junk we got rid of in the first place.
I was empty and ready to be done, but she had more work for me. It is just as important that you fill yourself up with good things. I began meditating, spending more time with God, saying positive affirmations, creating a vision board. Honestly, I began to dream again, to dream of a life I always wanted but gave up on a long time ago.
Where I am Now
I still have a long way to go. I’m in reality a long way from where I want to be, but I’m getting there. Thanks to Tracey, I have a plan of action. With God, I have a hope. Grandma gave me a dream. I have the drive, thanks to my family. My WHY is thanks to my children.
The journey gives me the reason for my blog. Grandma’s shoulders are my foundation. It was her loss, my grief and finally my healing that has been my inspiration to write and share.
There is a Reason for It All
For the past year, I feel like I’ve been crawling out of the deep dark cavern called depression. I’m the dying plant in the app on my phone begging for water. It has been a long hard process, but I’m getting there.
The best part is that not only am I healing back to where I was, but I’m becoming stronger, more confident, more secure in who I am and what I want. I have a direction that I never had before. I have a purpose beyond getting up and doing the same thing over and over again.
For the first time in a long time… I feel ALIVE!
My Wish for You
During my journey, I discovered that I love helping moms. I’ve spent my life struggling, trying to figure out how to be not only a good wife, but homemaker and mom. It was while writing Grandma’s eulogy, I remembered so many of the things she had taught me. It is these life lessons I want to share.
BUT, I also want to share the good the bad and the ugly that I’ve lived. I don’t want another mom to ever feel as if she is alone, and if no one would care if she were dead or alive. I want to walk in the trenches with you holding your hand as you come out of the darkness and back into the light of your amazing life. With this, I wish to give you HOPE, a reason to DREAM, and to bring you back to LIFE.
May this year not only be a year of continued healing but the year at least one Mama realizes she isn’t alone in her struggles and has a friend.