Humiliation Brings Change

Losing weight is HARD! No one wants to stop eating the foods they love, and for me that is sugar. It is addicting, painfully so. It is my go to when I’m tired, depressed and just every day food choice. It is a very bad and unhealthy choice, one that I KNOW I shouldn’t eat, but it is my emotional crutch.

I guess I've just laughed too much. Something has to change, because I'm not going to stop laughing. Life is too full of fun to do that.Humiliation at its best

Wednesday while we were at Silver Dollar City I had something happen that I’ve never had happen before. I couldn’t ride a roller coaster that I was looking forward to riding. The strap was small, and didn’t stretch far, but I couldn’t get it around me.

Even if I could have gotten the strap around me, I couldn’t have ridden it because they locked your knees in a pretty far bent position. My knees won’t bend that far back especially the one that needs a knee replacement.

I was humiliated, to say the least. I was the one who stated that I couldn’t ride the ride, not the poor guy who was standing over me with an embarrassed look on his face. I got up and walked out with about 100 people staring at me. I know I will never see them again, but still, it was humbling.

Me at my heaviest.Evaluation of my fear

We stayed until the park closed. I watch my children play while I watched from the sidelines. I spent the time wallowing in self-pity. I couldn’t play because I was hurting both physically and emotionally. My knees were killing me both because of needing to be replaced and my weight. I was angry, livid, and full of regret.

I was angry with the unknown girl who swiped my leg and tripped me when I played basketball in high school which destroyed my knee. I was angry with the doctor who made it worse so I could never straighten my knee again unless I had a full knee replacement. He is the one I blamed for my fear of the pain, as I had to go back in for a second surgery while in the hospital since he really messed things up. This surgery is where my true hatred of hospitals came from.

It wasn’t until I was home and crying that I could be honest with myself. I’m the one preventing myself from having knee surgery NOW. I had a doctor that told me we could do it any time I wanted, as my knee is that bad. This was 5 years ago. I was only 35 at the time. I kept giving excuses. I found reasons. I found fear, and I put it off.

Eating HealthyEvaluations of my food choices

While I’ve stuck with my no sodas for a month, I’ve not stayed on plan with Trim Healthy Mama. There are several reasons I haven’t, but in the end they are just excuses to not have to eat healthily. I’ve not only not stayed on plan, but I’ve eaten sugary snacks, treats and desserts. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I had absolutely no self-control. I’m ashamed of my behavior and I know I will never get healthy until I practice self-control over one of my biggest weaknesses, food.

I can’t say that I didn’t have the options, because I did. I just chose not to take them. I’m the one who chose to eat the rice instead of making the cauliflower. I’m the one who didn’t want the healthy food when presented, but instead chose to go without, emotionally eating at its best.

Evaluations of my supplements

I truly love my vitamins and supplements from doTerra. Not only are they not HUGE, but they are easily digested. This is a big deal for me as most vitamins upset my stomach even with food on them. I’ve been taking them regularly for the past month and feel the difference.

I took the 8-week Thrive challenge. I started in April and finished at the end of May. My digestive track ran smoother. I had more energy first thing in the morning without the need for a soda or coffee. I lost about 5 pounds, but that was it.

It was at the end of May that I noticed a difference, I started having serious panic attacks. It was so bad at one point I couldn’t drive. Stephen reminded me that the Thrive pills have a stimulant in them, so I cut those out and I no longer had panic attacks. I added them again and the panic attacks started back up.

Now I’m not sure if the panic attacks were because of the pills or because of stress from getting ready for our trip, trips stress this Mama out. All I know is that once I stopped taking them I no longer had panic attacks at all. I felt more at ease.

Saturdays Check-inEvaluation of exercise and diastasis

I did the walking video for most of the month, taking a few days off due to getting sick. I never made it the full 15 minutes, but I did make it up to ½ mile.

While my diastasis has gone from 12 to 9 fingers. While that is progress, I know I still have a big problem. Walking around Silver Dollar City in Branson was painful and by the end of the day I could barely walk.

Sometimes it takes humiliation to bring needed change.My conclusions

My knee: Stephen’s company was just bought out so things are a little different with insurance. He is going to check into about my knee replacement. Then I will go see a doctor and schedule that for early next spring. Until then there are a set of exercises I can do that will help strengthen my leg so I can heal as quickly as possible. I’m tired of being hindered by this.

Food choices: Over this next week I’m going to finish reading the Trim Healthy Mama Plan book. It has been on my list for a while, but I never actually did it. I am also going to make a menu for myself with only THM foods. I will post my menu and grocery lists next Friday so you can know what I’m eating.

Supplement choices: I am going to continue with my doTerra vitamins and supplements, and stop taking the Thrive. The Thrive worked great for the longest time and I think it will work for many, but it doesn’t work for me right now at this point in my life.

Exercise choices: I’m going to continue with the walking exercises, I felt successful and the beginnings of progress. I need to order a new splint for my diastasis, which I will be doing before the month is out. When I purchased the ultimate homemakers bundle there was a membership for Fit to B about diastasis. I am going to check that out next week and begin using it.

In the end, it comes down to this, I want to enjoy my time with my children and I will never be able to do it in the physical condition I am in right now. Something has got to change and I’m the only one who can do it.